THIS IS MY COLOR

My color is green as envy,

Green for health,

Green for wealth

The green of life.

I am alive.

I feel every emotion

With every bodily motion,

 I know I live.

Every breath I take is confirmation that I am human.

Every time I blink,

Each time I think,

I celebrate my existence.

My color is blue,

Blue as water,

Blue as calm.

I yearn to be refreshed with food for the soul,

To quench my thirst for knowledge

With intellectual conversations or challenging confrontations.

Steadfast and firm

Light and calm

Blue is my color.

Sometimes I am yellow

Cheerful and happy

Bright

Warm

Loud

Yellow as sunshine.

Purple is my color

A sign of nobility and spirituality.

Unique in my own way,

Proud of my individuality

I respect the Supreme authority;

The Lord Almighty.

I am His and because of this, I am part of a royal blood line.

Purple as mysterious,

Never too close,

I keep my distance

A stranger to the closest of my friends,

I am purple.

Black is my skin,

Inconsistent yet beautiful,

Black as darkness,

Black as night.

Contrary to popular belief,

My black is not evil,

My black is flawless,

My black is African

Strong

Bold

Courageous and playfully rebellious.

I am black.

I am not defined by a rainbow

Directed by a skillful composition of colors

My color is chaotic.

A mix of dangerous red,

Girly  pink,

Tranquil turquoise,

Earth  brown,

Fierce orange.

My color is complex,

Complicated,

Misunderstood.

This is my color.

Diary session

I rarely make public what's going on in my mind but today I feel inspired and just want to share my thoughts. The past week has been one of my toughest in the year. I have found myself fighting an inward battle- a battle with myself. It's so much easier to have a war of words with someone other than yourself because that way you can simply walk away but when it's with no one but you, how do you escape?

I can't quite describe the punches that I have thrown or the blows that I have received but I can tell you what Ive learnt from it all. There is a lesson to be learned in everything after all, isn't there? I have been forced to remember two invaluable life lessons: 1) We decide our own failure  2) everything in it's time.

1) We decide our own failure

Like 73.5 % of this population (I just made up that statistic to sound cool) I hate failure! I can't stand to see myself fail and  therefore tend to shy away from things that I know I'm bound to expose my utter lack of skills in. Once I sense that I am no good at something, I quickly abandon it before there is any evidence that I suck at it. Sounds pretty lame, but it is the 100% truth.

For the past 6months or slightly more, I have been writing and sending out job applications or what we call "tarmacking" here in Kenya. I'm sure the applications I've sent could easily out number 50. Yes, 50! Out of these 50 or so, applications, I've gotten less than 5 responses, 2 face-to-face interviews, 1 phone interview and 1 unattractive job offer. Pretty demoralizing, huh?

Luckily enough, I'm not completely unemployed, I have a job that keeps me going. It's been so easy to get myself into a 'pity-party' wondering if I am good enough and if I'll ever become that high-powered corporate woman I envision myself to someday be. I've been very tempted to just give up and settle for less. 

Two days ago, I read a speech that completely changed my perception. It made me realize that whereas a fantastic job offer, an opportunity for high-pay, great benefits or exciting 'work' was what I was looking for, there was so much more that I had already found. In the process of writing out my endless number of applications, I re-discovered my passion for words, my thirst for knowledge and the unusual 'kicks' I get from reading articles, stories, facts or news. I've been able to travel on a journey of self-discovery and appreciation. I may feel and seem like a failure but I would not for a second trade all that I am learning for anything else. My journey isn't failure. I have been able to turn a taunting experience to a learning experience. I still may not have gotten that job that I want but I have been re-introduced to myself. Everyday I am learning new things about who I am and what I love. It's scary but it's also very exciting. The fact that I haven't yet found a job does not mean that I have failed or that I am heading to failure, it simply means that...

....2) Everything happens in it's time 

I wish I could start this paragraph with saying that my long wait has finally come to something. Reality is, it hasn't. I have every reason to loose hope and quit searching but I won't and you know why that is, because every great leader that there is in history has had to wait. For some it was a matter of days, others it was months or years but eventually, their tireless efforts led to something wonderful. My efforts will lead to something wonderful. I might have to wait another couple of days, or months not because God enjoys seeing me struggle but because I am not yet the person I need to be to get what I deserve. I'm still being modeled and shaped into who I need to be before I can go and conquer the world. Everything happens in it's time.

This election

Eager I was to cast my vote,

"The people's choice", that's what he wrote. 

Barely impressive

But still somehow persuasive.

5am in line to make history. 

Whether he'd win was still a mystery. 

24years we had spent in misery

Everything chaotic and in disarray

The poor were oppressed 

and the rich depressed

We needed a change

Before we became deranged.

This election

Was more than a selection

It was a hope of liberation.

Our participation

In the making of this decision

Could help build a vision

For our nation.

 

Heart

You feel your heart pound persistently against your chest

It t feels as though it is aching to be set free

From the cage you call you chest.

The blood it pumps feels hot inside your veins.

it ruthlessly forces its way through your reluctant constricted vessels.

you can feel the resistance from way inside of you.

Your palms leak of f some sweat

Your armpits too.

You lift your heavy arms to reach your torso for a feel of the pace your heart sets.

Thump.

            Thump

Thump.

It seems to be slowing down with every additional beat.

You feel light headed now.

Your try and focus your gaze through the screen of tears formed in your eyes.

It gets harder and harder

The strain intensifies

You can barely see now.

You feel yourself loosing all control of your body

Your mind can no longer direct.

As your head touches the ground

You realize it’s all over.

Looking for inspiration

I've been struggling to write for a while now. I feel as though I have no story to tell but that isn't true. I have so many unspoken words resting within me that cannot be expressed vocally. I just don't know how to let all these thoughts out in a way that is coherent and comprehensive. May be I'm trying too hard. I ought to just let my fingers meet the keys of my computer with ease as my mind  feeds instructions of the letters to press. 

All I seek right now is to be it happy, sad, angry or even anxious. I'm not wishing for a calamity or hoping for a disaster but looking for an event. An event of harmless chaos or intense pleasure; an event of boiling anger or blissful peace. Is it wrong for me to search for inspiration in this way?

I'm looking for inspiration. 

Just looking for inspiration.

When life takes over.

You can smell the sweetness of the dew, the damp smell of coming rain. The gentle yet distinct scent it exudes makes you long to taste the soil of the earth. A crack of a smile forms on your stiff face as you are consumed with the pleasure of this simple feeling.

You walk through the garden and admire the beauty of the unkempt hedge. It’s a wonder to you how something can grow in such ‘chaos’ and still give off such beauty. You bend over to get a better look at how the tiny branches intertwine around each other with leaves growing out in all directions. You observe a tiny stick-like insect trying to work itself through the complex mesh. It looks so determined to get to its destination as it takes no heed of the menacing thorns pocked out between the leaves. Leaving the insect to complete its mission, you walk away from the hedge to the other side of the garden. There you see a majestic tree standing bold in the centre of the mowed lawn. High above everything else, it stretches out reaching for the sky. A rough bark covers the entire course of its thick trunk. It is the master of the grounds.  The height of its presence gives it superiority over the midget tufts of grass and dwarfed hedges. The light breeze that causes the other plants to sway from side to side leaves this tree unshaken. Unmoved. Unperturbed. Nothing but a harsh chainsaw or a fierce storm can bring this tree down. A slightly yet wider smile stretches the skin of your face as you hail to this great creation. An authority in its own right.

You move over to the edge of the garden. There, standing alone in isolation is a young plant. You can tell by the buds at the tip of its shoot that it’s about to bear its first fruit. There in its own little corner, you can sense its excitement, its pride to be about to fulfil its purpose-to bear fruit. Its fresh green leaves glitter in the sun. Its white flower- white petals and purple centre-shines bright as the sun’s light reflects off its smooth surface. It emits a fragrance that overpowers the dew. A smell that is musk but somehow still pleasant.

A bee, buzzing as it flies, comes to a sudden stop and lands on the centre of the flower. You had been watching so closely, so intently that the slightest unexpected sound or movement had the effect of quickening your heart rate. You are amused; happy; at peace. This same garden you had so many times walked through, had today become something with so much to offer. It became your own little utopia: Perfect in its imperfections. The worries you came bearing, the sadness you dragged along with you and the pain that had weighed you down for so long, all disappeared within minutes. You let life happen. You left the past where it belongs- in the past; and you let the future be just that-the future. You let life take over. You lived in the moment. AND IT WAS BEAUTIFUL. SIMPLY BEAUTIFUL. 

A letter to heaven

I suffer from  ailurophia also known as the fear of cats. Yes, I am afraid of cats-really afraid. I know it sounds childish, but the presence of the feline creature, frightens me. I’m also afraid of closed spaces (claustophobic), or so my sister claims-I still insist on arguing to the contrary. I hate watermelons; absolutely can’t stand the taste! Broccoli is also on my ‘yucky’ foods list. I sometimes manage to force a bit of it-the broccoli I mean-down my throat because I know it protects against breast cancer. So for my health’s sake, I endure the revolting taste.   My newly discovered talent is the art to attribute the oddest of adjectives to the taste of a meal. I personify food describing a meal as ‘shocking’ or even ‘orgasmic’. I love my food. I’m still pretty much the same build you left me- tall and slender. Well, I wasn’t quite tall at the age you left me, but I bet you knew that I would someday be. I’m completely confused with what to do with my life and can’t figure out whether to head east or west. I wish I could tell you that I am some accomplished….. or….. (the gaps being filled with some sort of impressive title).  I don’t have the title yet.

So many years of being gone, you’ve missed out on my life. A paragraph or two, or even ten, can’t tell it all. All that’s described above, is just a glimpse into my life. I never knew you, but I miss you for all that you could have been in my life. This letter is just the first, but certainly not the last. I long to tell you all that you have missed, and what is to happen.   I love you mum. I miss you.