I rarely make public what's going on in my mind but today I feel inspired and just want to share my thoughts. The past week has been one of my toughest in the year. I have found myself fighting an inward battle- a battle with myself. It's so much easier to have a war of words with someone other than yourself because that way you can simply walk away but when it's with no one but you, how do you escape?
I can't quite describe the punches that I have thrown or the blows that I have received but I can tell you what Ive learnt from it all. There is a lesson to be learned in everything after all, isn't there? I have been forced to remember two invaluable life lessons: 1) We decide our own failure 2) everything in it's time.
1) We decide our own failure
Like 73.5 % of this population (I just made up that statistic to sound cool) I hate failure! I can't stand to see myself fail and therefore tend to shy away from things that I know I'm bound to expose my utter lack of skills in. Once I sense that I am no good at something, I quickly abandon it before there is any evidence that I suck at it. Sounds pretty lame, but it is the 100% truth.
For the past 6months or slightly more, I have been writing and sending out job applications or what we call "tarmacking" here in Kenya. I'm sure the applications I've sent could easily out number 50. Yes, 50! Out of these 50 or so, applications, I've gotten less than 5 responses, 2 face-to-face interviews, 1 phone interview and 1 unattractive job offer. Pretty demoralizing, huh?
Luckily enough, I'm not completely unemployed, I have a job that keeps me going. It's been so easy to get myself into a 'pity-party' wondering if I am good enough and if I'll ever become that high-powered corporate woman I envision myself to someday be. I've been very tempted to just give up and settle for less.
Two days ago, I read a speech that completely changed my perception. It made me realize that whereas a fantastic job offer, an opportunity for high-pay, great benefits or exciting 'work' was what I was looking for, there was so much more that I had already found. In the process of writing out my endless number of applications, I re-discovered my passion for words, my thirst for knowledge and the unusual 'kicks' I get from reading articles, stories, facts or news. I've been able to travel on a journey of self-discovery and appreciation. I may feel and seem like a failure but I would not for a second trade all that I am learning for anything else. My journey isn't failure. I have been able to turn a taunting experience to a learning experience. I still may not have gotten that job that I want but I have been re-introduced to myself. Everyday I am learning new things about who I am and what I love. It's scary but it's also very exciting. The fact that I haven't yet found a job does not mean that I have failed or that I am heading to failure, it simply means that...
....2) Everything happens in it's time
I wish I could start this paragraph with saying that my long wait has finally come to something. Reality is, it hasn't. I have every reason to loose hope and quit searching but I won't and you know why that is, because every great leader that there is in history has had to wait. For some it was a matter of days, others it was months or years but eventually, their tireless efforts led to something wonderful. My efforts will lead to something wonderful. I might have to wait another couple of days, or months not because God enjoys seeing me struggle but because I am not yet the person I need to be to get what I deserve. I'm still being modeled and shaped into who I need to be before I can go and conquer the world. Everything happens in it's time.
